It's life but not as we know it

Courses for horses

2005-02-22T21:15:00.000Z

I have been practicing the technique of sleeping with my eyes open while attending a safety course. Some of the presentations were among the worst I have ever witnessed. One of the talks consisted of 66 text filled slides, that were read out by the lecturer over the course of an hour. Another talk consisted of the lecturer zooming through a rather colourful powerpoint presentation while telling us "its all written in the handouts". Unfortunately the attractive blue stripey design of the slides rendered the handouts illegible. Arghhh! The audience were a motley crew too and included some rather pale denizens of the deep. It is ironic that the courses that are the most important ie could save your life, are the ones that have the least inspiring teachers. Well, apart from lectures on fire safety. These are usually given by middle-aged men, usually ex-firemen, who deliver a collection of unforgettable and rather grisly anecdotes. However at least we all remember the correct way to check whether there is a fire on the other side of a closed fire door. We also learnt how to correctly identify fire extinguishers containing foam, however this was knowledge I had retained from my extra-curricular student activities!

Fiddlers elbow

2005-02-17T22:16:00.000Z

It's been a couple of weeks since I have felt the urge to write, but I needed to document my latest time-wasting escapades.

I persuaded the HOD (yes he who is stepping down) to splash out on a new communal computer for the student office. He agreed, providing that I got the best quote, and set the computer up. "Fine" I thought, it shouldn't take longer than an hour. After all Macs are supposed to be easy to set up. All I needed was to fill out a couple of forms; one for software, and one to get the computer connected to the network, then pop over to the computing centre.

Today after a mindnumbing 6 hours, I finally did it. I won't go into the tedious detail, but briefly (or not as the case may be) this task required 5 trips to the computer centre, 4 phone calls, talking to 2 different computer assistants, 4 forms, removal of 3 shelving brackets (the computer didn't fit!, 4 signatures, 4 CDs and a partridge in a pear tree.

Experiments performed - zero.
Grants written- zero.
Papers read- zero.
Lectures prepared- zero.
Emails read- 10
Emails written - 4
Swear words- n where n is a number between 20 and 100.

The reward for my endeavour? One of the students told it was fantastic that they could play songs from someone else's Itunes library! A former boss told me that buying someone a computer never made them more productive. I am turning into that man.

And on that bombshell.....

2005-01-27T21:03:00.000Z

A torrid week. The cold war is over and hostilities have resumed. First the announcement from our HOD that he was going to step down. Since this left our small department somewhat vulnerable in the shark-infested university pool, he also announced that we would be merging with another larger department. This was announced at our weekly departmental meeting and was greeted with an eerie silence (watch "Shooting Stars" to see the effect). During the day, it was the main topic of conversation, with biscuits coming in a close second. Little huddles of people formed spontaneously throughout the day and little work was done.

I had been told in person a few days before. I was expecting it; our HOD had looked increasingly weary, had complained about academic politics and had spoken about a sabbatical. I have not always agreed with his leadership but he has been a honest man doing a thankless job. He had reached the end of his tether and personally I am glad for him.

In the main, the senior staff were supportive. Predictably MC was extremely angry about this decision and has let it be known that does not want to be part of a merger. Where this would leave him is not entirely clear. He called me into his office and ranted at me for a full 40 minutes. His main complaint was not about what would happen to the department but how he would be "screwed over" by the new HOD. In essence, "me,me,me,me". My philosphy in dealing with these people (I shared an office with a similar ranter) is to say little, nod and then try and find an escape route. Unfortunately it became clear that he wanted my support and I had to make it known that while I appreciated some of his arguments (not!), I would not be joining the rebel force. He who runs away lives to fight another day.

It seems that I will not be a millionaire after all. After avoiding me all week, the Technology Transfer Officer told me that my moneyspinning idea had been turned down. Despite impressing the "suits" (they told the TTO that we gave the best presentation on the day), it was rejected by another panel of experts. Clearly they had different criteria to the "suits" but without any feedback it is hard to learn anything from the exercise, except that it wasn't worth the effort. I discussed this bad news with my research assistant. If none of my remaining grant applications get approved, she will be unemployed. Kinda puts the childish tantrums of tenured academics into perspective!

Where's Desmond Morris when you need him?

2005-01-25T23:30:00.000Z

I mostly try to avoid contact with my work colleagues on the basis that like my relatives, I had no say in choosing them. As Chromatin has pointed out, people who work in the same field tend to share certain unsavoury and antisocial characteristics. From time to time I am forced into meetings where I can observe these chacteristics like a poor man's Desmond Morris. Usually meetings consist of a beleagured chairman, selfish sods (SFS) who make demands and moan, jokers who take the piss and moan, miserable sods who just moan, people who say nothing but take copious notes, and snoozers (me). These meetings are usually dominated by the SFS who tend to get angrier as the meeting progresses. Perhaps these invitations to these meetings should be prefaced with the sentence "No timewasters please". Yesterday I was surprised to find myself awake during a meeting. This was because the meeting had a clear agenda, and was run by people who were professionals. The leader of the group demonstrated amply why he was in charge; he had a strong personality, excellent communication skills, did not patronise his audience and was constructive. Similarly others in his team gave precise and constructive answers.No blame culture here. For once the moaners, rather than running the meeting, were exposed as the people holding back progress. God, I can't believe I am writing this, I am usually such a miserable sod. Sadly the meeting was not a scientific meeting but one set up by the computing department. Sigh......

The great smell of Pledge

2005-01-17T21:11:00.000Z

At our weekly departmental meeting, our HOD announced that the head of a very important medical charity would be visiting our university. He requested that: A) People go to the labs instead of sitting in the offices playing computer solitaire. B) Once in the labs, they put on a lab coat and did something useful. This is exactly the sort of motivational speech that will send everyone scurrying to the sanctuary of the tea room (and so it proved).

The next day, the VIP arrived, greeted by the unmistakeable aromas of recently employed cleaning products. They probably should have given him a pair of bowling shoes for his visit because the floor was so shiny. Unfortunately he arrived precisely at the time when most people in the building were having a tea break. Even worse it was "biscuit" day so the tea room was heaving with human gannets. Hopefully the VIP was impressed by the clean but empty labs, and the high level tea room discussions being held between the motivated staff. Fantasy conversation-"I have been doing experiments through the night, and this is my first break for food and drink". Real conversation -"These custard creams are a bit stale aren't they?" or "I can't believe it. They finally moved all that crap that was outside the lab."

Ultimately my fate does not lie with impressing a big wig with the great smell of pledge. No the power lies with those anonymous folks who review my grants. Maybe they need their furniture polishing too?

Save the trees

2005-01-11T21:46:00.000Z

One week back at work and the paperwork is accumulating. My head of department (HOD) told me that I would have to carry out appraisals for all my staff. He pointed out appraisals were a good way of assessing performance over the last year and for identifying training needs. He then told me (violins softly playing in the background) that due to cuts in departmental budgets, he would not be able to pay for all requested training anyway. Furthermore he told me categorically that appraisals were not to be used to justify promotions or to criticise the performance of staff. So I asked if an appraisal who still be required for someone who would be leaving within the next two months. After all, there would be no concern about training because that would depend on the next job. The employee had been not been at work for most of the year, for various medical and personal reasons. So not much I could write about performance since this was related to "confidential" matters that were off-limits. Predictably (why do I bother?) he said it was very important that the appraisal should still occur. Doh! The member of staff in question, has admitted that the last year was a "annus horribilis" and does not want an appraisal. They do have the right to refuse an appraisal. This is a disciplinary offence but by the time anyone realises, they will have left so the University won't be able to take any further action. Hmm..........maybe I can fight against the system after all.

Another irritation is the need for a formal probation period for new members of staff. In their wisdom, human resources have deemed that this should be extended from 6 months to 12 months. So I am in the situation where I have someone on a 12 month contract. I will need to have probation interviews and report on progress; upon arrival, then at 3,6 and 9 months. After 9 months I get to make a formal decision on whether they pass the probation period and continue their employment for another 3 months. Incidentally the probation forms need to be signed by me, the staff on probation, a "mentor" who is independent, and the head of department. Technically if I was successful and got a new grant to keep on this member of staff, it would count as a new post and I would have to go through this whole process again! At this point it would be worthwhile to place plastic caps over all my teeth to prevent me grinding them down to stumps during the course of the next year.

While idly perusing the student noticeboards, I read a print out of an email warning female students to be vigilant while on campus. Two female students were assaulted on separate occaisons last year when walking after dark. I then realised that despite many notices (by email and during departmental meetings) about bloody appraisals, waste control, staff training, seminars etc, I had not heard this important news. I asked a colleague about this, and he said that he had gone to the HOD last year. The HOD told him, that any formal announcements about safety had to come from the Health and Safety Department. However my colleague should alert female members of staff informally, which he did. Surprise, surprise Health and Safety never issued the notice. I am now convinced that my HOD was recruited from the Civil Service. Nevermind Elvis, common sense has well and truly left the building!

Back on the chain gang

2005-01-05T17:49:00.000Z

So here I am back after an extended Christmas holiday of visiting relatives and excessive eating. Had a very calorific christmas, in fact if I was a goose, I would be a prime candidate for pate production. Anyway my resolution to actually spend some time in the lab and less time on the computer, is already looking foolish. Somehow in my post grant euphoria (and aided by Christmas ale) I agreed to become a guest editor for a journal. Now in the cold light of the new year, I realise how much work this will actually entail and as Graham Taylor once said "I do not like that". This was compounded by the appearance of a medic who wanted me to read her MD thesis by the end of the week. She had been let down by her supervisor. Since I was feeling charitable (had just given to Tsunami fund), I agreed to help her out. My second resolution to spend more time watching rubbish TV (so that I could join in the tea room banter and become socially acceptable) is now also looking dodgy.

There was an interesting article on the BBC website about the pitfalls of work related blogs (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/4115073.stm), together with a helpful list of rules. It seems that I break most of the rules, but the point of this blog is give a realistic view of a scientist's work day. For a few heady years it was all about exciting hypotheses and performing groundbreaking experiments, but now it is mostly about shuffling paper. Like other professions we deal with people and bureaucracy. We have similar levels of frustration and career disatisfaction too. Hopefully readers will find a few laughs (thanks Pogo for nice comments) among all the whingeing comments. For me it's cheaper than getting a therapist. Happy new year!

Going through the motions

2004-12-23T12:14:00.000Z

We have what would be called a skeleton staff, most of whom are going through the motions to preserve their annual leave entitlement. The last week of non-work has been punctuated by christmas parties. Unfortunately this meant a diminished audience for our seminar speaker, who was yet another oxford man looking for a new home. Apparently he had been for informal talks before with the big cheeses, but none of them had bothered to organise any sort of schedule for his "official" visit. Actually I felt sorry for him because he had bravely driven 5 hours and had to talk before we gave him any grub. He was quite down to earth and we had a good discussion about mutual research interests. It struck me that he was probably not enough of a self-promotor or political enough to get a job in our place.

The university has deemed that Christmas Eve is a compulsory day of annual leave. So this afternoon I will be clearing my desk by putting all the paper in a big bin liner. I am sure I won't miss it!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year to my reader. I will be back in the New Year for some more moaning.

End of the tunnel

2004-12-08T14:56:00.000Z

Blinking I emerge into the light. The 4th and final grant of this year was submitted last week, after a torturous week of inspiration, perspiration, self-doubt and sleep deprivation. The fun continued this week, when I realised that I had to present my big moneyspinning idea to a panel of suits. This involved more work over the weekend learning the lingua franca of business; spin-outs, licensing, up-front payments,dolby B, 5:1 surround sound etc. Fortunately I had a lot of help on the presentation from a friend in the business, and gave a reasonable performance as an entrepreneurial scientist. Afterwards I realised that the last time I worked this hard for such a sustained period was during my PhD. I felt a quiet sense of achievement but this soon disappeared after I rejoined the human race by queuing in Argos.

Spent this morning reading and correcting printers proofs for a manuscript. This is one of the nice parts of the job, there is a certain satisfaction about seeing a project that has taken 3 years to finish, finally translated into a crisp black and white document. "Sad loser" I hear you say but other scientists will understand.

Hostilities within the department have been put on hold on the run-up to Christmas, as has everything else including work. Woe betide anyone who has a deadline in the last week before Christmas, when most of the staff are either hungover and/or missing. Tis the season to be jolly!

No sign of nookie

2004-11-26T22:06:00.000Z

As a pale imitation of that character in the "Fast show", this week I have mostly been writing grants. Actually getting one finished off, and trying to start the new one. I have been told by an American friend that all this grant writing is rather boring, and there is not enough nookie on my blog. That's my life my friend!

I also helped a colleague interview new post-docs for his lab. A good one is hard to find these days. Round here, we get a lot of time-wasters and shirkers turning up for interviews. And we usually end up employing them. This time he had two good candidates, one from within the department. A bit difficult because we gave the job to the other guy on the basis of a fantastic interview performance.

As I suspected, the recent arrival of my chatterbox colleague in the office has made it difficult to work. He is a big fan of the "unload everything on my mind" style of conversation. This is OK until you realise that he does this to everyone who comes into the office, so I end up hearing the story 4-5 times.

My old friend the Technology transfer officer came back. We now have to present my grand idea to some "suits". As she talked, it seemed that the odds had lengthened and her pessimism was infectious. Still its worth a try, even if I do have to face a gruesome "pop idol" type interview afterwards.

Another weekend of writing then next week I will be free like a bird (relatively).

keep 'em peeled

2004-11-19T22:15:00.000Z

It has been raining so much in the last few weeks that the pigeon quano on my window has ceased to be a problem. I would like to believe that they have flown to sunnier climes. However it is more likely that they crept into the roofspace of the building for the winter. The first maintenance man to go in there, is in for a shock.

A ripple of excitement in the building. This morning 3 shifty looking young men breezed into the building and made their way to the first floor. Finding the door was locked they came back down again, whereupon they were challenged. They claimed that they were here about a "cleaning" contract, and legged it. Security were called but had still not shown up when the front doors were locked at 5pm. My conclusion, it is getting near christmas, and lots of people have laptops down on their present list!

Another building users meeting. I think the "users" are immune now to the list of bureaucratic balls-ups and mismanagement emanating from the university. Today it was announced that the architect's photographer had requested permission to take pictures of the building interiors. Unfortunately he was not interested in taking any pictures of the numerous problem areas that resulted from poor design. The building manager booted him out and told him he was only allowed to take pictures of the outside. Another topic that came up was the building X-mas party. Always a controversial area, with "cheer up you miserable sod, its only once a year" and the "bloody hell, more pissed up students wandering round the department and chundering in the corridors" types. The latter are usually outvoted. According to university regulations, building parties with alcohol were not allowed. So we can either have "dry" party, with lots of people toting brown paper bags. Or we could provide a "reception" with limited refreshments (bottle wine/head) after an exceptionally short seminar. Either way it will be a good test of the carpets.

It's all quiet on the western front prior to next week's big move. My colleague and I rearranged the furniture in our office to allow space for a third desk. This reversed our previous postion when we had made sure that we took up the maximum amount of space, specifically to stop a third person coming into the office. This was in response to our crafty HOD who personally moved in a third desk when we weren't looking. He knew that we knew and we knew that he knew. Stalemate, until the recent crisis. Our new colleague is a good friend but is a man of many words. It was suggested that we put up partitions like they do in "real offices" so that we could try and get some work done. I decided that working from home would be far more effective.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

2004-11-18T15:41:00.000Z

Took two days of "work-related" leave to bash another grant into shape. As usual, I completely underestimated how long it would take, and only finished it yesterday evening. Or maybe I sped up as I approached the dead-line!

Now I am back at work and listening to the latest revolting developments on the invasion that is happening next week. MC's anger was maintained after he was thwarted earlier in the week. He wrote to the HOD stating his unhappiness about the blunt email received from my colleague (codenamed Diamund). In fact he requested a personal apology from Diamund. The HOD suggested to Diamund that this would be a good idea, so he trotted over to see him in his office. Unfortunately, MC was not in the mood to let bygones be bygones, and let rip into Diamund about knowing his place in the departmental heirachy ie well below MC. Then he told him that if he sent another email like "this" again he would thump him. He also said that as deputy HOD he had more power than he actually exercised, and could make things difficult for Diamund if he wanted. Call me old-fashioned, but this sounds like intimidation and bullying to me. It confirms that MC is not fit to be deputy HOD, and is consistent with his previous behaviour. Diamund reported this conversation to the HOD (and friends like me), but has not taken any further action. At the moment there is a "Cold War" atmosphere about the place. Hoping no-one pushes the button next week.

You can't touch this

2004-11-15T22:40:00.000Z

A famous victory but a strangely hollow feeling afterwards. I wonder if it is a case of winning the first battle in a long siege. We had a meeting of senior staff today to try and sort out how we are going cram people from two locations into one. Essentially there is a conflict between MC, who has his own selfish agenda to nick as much space as possible, and the people (like me) who already occupy the space, who want to minimize space allocated to him, so that he won't take up permanent residence. Petty? Yes! Immature? Yes! What do you expect? Scientific training tends to select those that are socially inept. The HOD decided not to decide, preferring to let us squabble while he took cold medication.

The first strike from MC last week, when he moved some equipment into our lab space without any consulation. This was followed by a rather blunt email from a colleague over the weekend, who asked him what changes he was planning to OUR lab space and stressing that relocation of people had to be agreed rather than dictated.

At the meeting he was asked directly about his plans. After the usual diversionary waffle he outlined how he was going to create two new laboratories on our floor by moving our equipment out. Of course he left it to us to find space for the evicted equipment elsewhere on the floor. Fortunately he was outmanoevured. His main reasoning for this considerate move was that it would be less disruptive to us! His people would not have to share lab space so would not interrupt our work! However he was dumbfounded when all the senior staff on the floor volunteered to give up space to share with his group. It would involve splitting his group between different benches, but it was pointed out that it would promote interaction between junior staff and facilitate a collegiate atmosphere. He could not argue with this, but accused of us (in a roundabout way) of being stupid by risking disruption to our own research.His concern had me welling up.

He tried an alternative argument that we should make sure that rooms containing equipment were used for lab work, otherwise they would be seen as vacant space. This would be taken away from us by our enemies outside the department. You have to admire his paranoid creativity, but we were more worried about the enemy within the department! This argument also failed because we pointed out that we were underutilising lab space anyway, and it was better to fill up existing labs than to create new ones. The HOD who was complaining about having a bad cold, and had been silent throughout this session of Jackanory, finally decided in our favour. Silent cheers all round. MC was not a happy bunny and kept on mumbling about how irrational we were being. It was quite obvious as we left the room that he was not going to accept this unconditionally. He has a rather fearsome female technician who is known to explode (and reassemble) with rage. Bruce Banner has nothing on this lady. I suspect he is exposing her to gamma rays and feeding her raw meat even as we speak.

The tanks are circling

2004-11-12T20:59:00.000Z

After a relatively calm week, the storm clouds have started appearing on the horizon.Yesterday it was announced that there was date for MC and his group to start moving into our building. In fact a removal firm had been booked. This was a bit of surprise, but then I don't suppose that warnings are generally given just before an invasion. Two of us (yes one of them was the scaredy cat who writes this blog) confronted the HOD and asked why we weren't consulted, since relocating 12 people into space that is already occupied is not a trivial matter. My fuming colleage pointed out that we regularly got bombarded with departmental emails about safety procedures, seminars, appraisals, lost trolleys, and car parking. Yet the plans for a major reorganisation of lab space was not deemed important enough to be communicated. Looking at my colleages reddening face, HOD replied that he had been away and knew no more than we did. Furthermore he thought we might have sorted it out with MC himself. Rather strange when MC said that no final decision would be reached until HOD came back. As an act of appeasement,he agreed to arrange another meeting,but I suspect it will not resolve anything. His leadership continues to be uninspiring.

Today we discovered that two large pieces of equipment had appeared in a laboratory on our floor. Behold, tis truly a miracle! One of the pieces of equipment that was already in situ has been unceremoniously dumped in the corridor outside. Those little pixies must be strong. Apparently this equipment relocation was done without the knowledge of the HOD. The first shots have been fired!

PhD, pie and chips

2004-11-10T06:29:00.000Z

Yesterday was spent at a well-known British university doing my duty as an external examiner for a PhD. It illustrated perfectly the rather uneasy relationship that can exist between PhD students and supervisors. After my communication with the internal examiner, who clearly knew nothing about the field, I realised that it was my responsibility to really scrutinise the science. So I had a tough weekend of reading. The project had clearly not gone well and positive results were thin on the ground. The internal examiner suggested to me that some of the problems were down to inadequate supervision. Despite my fears the viva went well. The student gave an excellent performance, defending his work well and convincing us that he tried his best despite a lot of technical difficulties. We had no hesitation in passing him, but he had a long list of corrections for this thesis. Afterwards the supervisor took us all out for a substantial lunch, where I had a posh pie and chips. I had a private chat with the supervisor. I told her the student did very well in the viva. She told me that the student was lazy and was probably not cut out for research! The question m'lud is who is the more credible witness?

I should be happy

2004-11-04T11:13:00.000Z

Today I found out that my lab has been fixed. The airflow problem that has forced closure for 4 months was fixed in under an hour this AM. I should be happy but I am rather bitter that we have been suffering for 4 months it it was this easy. I am afraid to say that I have lost a bit of confidence in my HOD. This rapid repair was forced by the imminent move of MC into our building. What really leaves bile in the mouth, is smirking face of MC- the face that says "I fixed your lab for you so you should be grateful". Coincidentally I also lost a £10 bet that it wouldn't be done. Fools and their money.

Completed the first scan of the PhD thesis I will be examining next week. It's quite clear that the student had a struggle. Most of the results are negative, but the writing is not bad and he has discussed what few positive results he had in an intelligent way. Although I had no major problems with it, I thought I had better contact the other examiner because I am not an expert in this field. He replied that he knew even less than me and was struggling to cope with the jargon! Now I realise why we have been chosen. It's all part of "playing the game".

One of those days

2004-11-02T10:35:00.000Z

As Chris Eubank (after Spiderman) once said "with great power comes great responsibility". I don't know about the power bit but I certainly have responsibilities. Most of today was spent persuading people to help me. First phone calls to the technology transfer office to make sure grant#2 had been dispatched. This was particularly important because I rewrote the grant over the weekend, finishing late Sunday afternoon. Fortunately it was this improved version that got sent off. Second phone calls to get costings and forms for grant#3. Third, meeting with my research assistants. Planning experiments with one, and persuading her to print me a nice graph. Then looking at data generated by the other. Fourth organising some blood samples for experiments tomorrow. Fifth, I am the host for a seminar speaker on Wednesday, so I sent out a seminar notice and organised some people to talk to him after the seminar. There is nothing more depressing as a speaker, than travelling a long way to give a seminar, then leaving straight after. It's like be a plumber. Come in get the job done, then bugger off. In between these small bits of administration, I started filling out the forms for grant #3 and got temporarily depressed. I solved this by going home early. Tonight I must start reading that PhD thesis!

Everybody's talking at me

2004-10-29T19:24:00.000Z

Surprisingly after yesterday's efforts I did not sleep well, and my mind was churning with things I should do for work. I had some ideas about new experiments (sad but true) and I thought about a phone call I got yesterday. More news of a failed grant application. I really couldn't understand it. This guy had a great CV and his project was on the patients that he was treating in his clinic. However he was changing fields and some of the referees didn't like it. He sent me the comments of one particularly poisonous reviewer. I recognized the pompous style immediately. Nothing constructive, and putting the knife in at every opportunity. The guy had put in enough detailed criticism to make it seem to a casual observer (average grant committe member) like he knew what he was talking about. But he didn't. Why am I getting so upset? Because I am convinced this sod has knifed a few of my grants too. Now the first thing I write in a new grant application is " I would appreciate it, if Prof X, of X uni, is excluded from being a reviewer. He is a competitor in my field, and would have a conflict of interest."

I spent the morning buggering about, deluding myself that I was working well but still relieved I had sent grant#2. On a whim I had a look at the file I had sent off. Wait a minute, none of the corrections/additions were in the document. Arghh! Panic! Had I deleted the file by mistake? Did I lose more than 5 hours of work? After a frantic search of the hard-drive I discovered that opening the same file 6 times won't make non-existent text suddenly appear. Then I had a brain wave, and looked in the "Saved files" directory created by Entourage. Thank god it was there. I had of course been lazy and started working directly on the file that had been attached to an email. But I sent back the file that was on the desktop. Then I remembered how I made the mistake. Just as I was about to send the file, I got the phone call about the grant. Simulataneously a colleague came in for a chat. It's called taking your eye off the file. It just shows that some people are not cut out to be multi-taskers!

Some stupid with a flare gun

2004-10-28T16:52:00.000Z

What a week. Monday had the kids all day because of half-term. Took them to macdonalds and Toys r us. Didn't hear any complaints. Started work on business development grant (grant#2) . It's like learning a new language. Milestones? Deliverables? Quarters? It's the complete opposite for research grants. In today's competitive environment, you submit the grants knowing that most of the milestones have already been reached. Then you can do something interesting instead. That's if you are smart. Naive people like me write grants to do work they want to do. They then find it takes longer than they thought, so they have to write a new grant to finish it off and get further behind. Did someone mention the misery of credit card debt?

Tuesday AM, made 27 copies of grant#1 and then played "hunt the envelope". Helped to move two large liquid nitrogen tanks from one building to another. This heralds the start of the migration lead by MC (see previous posts). PM, lots of meetings with my lab. Including a depressed PhD student, a research assistant with time on her hands, and a research assistant actually producing good results. Well, 1 out of 3 ain't bad.
Also had a meeting where MC outlined his takeover bid for our floor. He told us the rennovation of his current labs would be a complete disaster, and there was the possibility of money running out before completion. Then it dawned on us that the move was not going to be temporary. He told me that my lab which has been out of action for 4 months, could be easily fixed for a cost of £300 and within 2 weeks. If true this is depressing and makes me wonder if the HOD is ineffectual or whether MC is a fibber. I suspect the latter and have already made a bet for £10 that it won't happen. Evening spent on grant #2. Resolved to get a more comfortable chair for my home office and to book an eyetest.

Wednesday, building wide power cut. Sat in the dark in my office until the laptop battery ran down. Had a good whinge with my colleague about the MC and his plans for global domination. Basically did bugger all and suffered for it.

Thursday (today). Had to work until 1.30AM on grant#2 (missus not pleased), then woke up at 6.30 AM to deliver first draft to technology transfer office. Worked on it during the day with frequent interruptions. Finally sent another version at 5pm! This weekend I have to read a PhD thesis. Arghhh!

Me,me,me,me,me

2004-10-22T20:32:00.000Z

Cream crackered this week, due to waking early to work on grant, full day at work, then more writing in the evening. Eyesight is going and the bags are under the eyes are getting bigger. Not quite in the Barry Norman league, but getting there.

Anyway for a while, I have been thinking that something has been missing from squalid professional life. Today I realised what it was-academic politics!

Before embarking on my latest rant, however I should introduce the some key characters. First there is the mumbling caledonian (MC Stammer). He is a senior member of the department who is a master of the hidden agenda, spreads poisonous gossip, and has always looked out for number 1. Well enough of his good points. Since we moved into the blue palace, I have seen much less of him and I'm now off the beta blockers.

Yesterday MC told us that his lab space is being refurbished and will be effectively out of action for the next four months. Given his many redeeming features, there was much sympathy among the audience for his predicament. Today he sent over three of his minions (witches of eastwick) to measure up lab space for relocation of his staff. Did I miss something? Aren't you supposed to ask people before you move into their space? He told one of my colleagues that he no alternative but to move his people and equipment next week. Conveniently the HOD is away next week and he is operationally deputy head. I smell a rat. I wasn't the only one, and the day was spent in a series of rather futile discussions with my colleagues. I emailed my HOD to find out the "official" position. It turns out that there wasn't one, and he wants us to sort it out between us like responsible adults. This is improbable given the personalities involved.

I will have a lot to cope with next week, so my plan is one of masterly inactivity!

I come from a land down under?

2004-10-21T19:23:00.000Z

The excitement never ends in this throbbing metropolis. On the news, various sightings of a wallaby in the suburbs of our fair city. Lots of questions- what is the poor creature doing so far from home? Where is the nearest zoo? Is marsupial meat as tasty as they say?

Sadly, all these questions was answered when our visitor from the outback turned out to be a Fox. Yes a fox, that had mange, so it had lost all it's fur. It had also injured a leg, hence the hopping around. The poor animal was in great pain, so a vet put it down thus spoiling the week for the newspaper reporters.

Black Tuesday

2004-10-20T21:27:00.000Z

Yesterday I stayed at home to write the grant. It went quite well until I checked my email inbox which seemd quite full. An in tray full of bad news. A colleague in our department had two grants submitted to a research charity. Despite a recommendation that one of them was to be funded, he was unsuccessful. How can this happen you might ask? Well if there are more "fundable" grants than money available, then the grant committee must prioritise. Five year and three year grants come out of the same pot, so if there are a lot of excellent 5 year grants, then there will be proportionately less money for projects. One guy may have produced 20 papers over 5 years, another has 10. Which one is the better scientist, who has the greatest potential to make landmark discoveries? Anyway the net result is that my colleague will be saying goodbye to two members of staff, and potentially to his research career.

Elsewhere in the blue palace, there were grant rejections for four other members of staff. Sorry seems to be the easiest word.

I also got an email from a collaborator at another University, who had her programme grant turned down by the Medical Research Council. Despite high scores from the referees and universal recommendation for funding, it was rejected by the committee. We don't know the precise reasons for the rejection, but she was understandably gutted. She has been trying to get this work funded for the last 18 months. She is a tough and talkative lady, but when I phoned her up, there were many silences. I did not do a very good job of counselling, mainly because I was scared I would start crying myself.

Perversley, after all that bad news, I actually made very good progress on the grant writing. Maybe because in the back of my mind I realised that all the details I was worrying about, don't amount to a hill of beans, when the reviewers will probably decide within 5 minutes of reading it whether it's "yah" or "nay". So get a good title, a punchy first paragraph and don't sweat the small stuff. Hey that could be a title for a self-help book? On second thoughts maybe someone has already thought of it!
I also realised that my chances of getting any of the project grants I am applying for are slim. Even a "yah" decision, could be overruled by a committee. So despite my earlier reluctance, I have nothing to lose by trying for "business development" money. Proportionately, the odds of success appear much higher. At the very least it could keep staff employed, while I apply for yet more research grants. It could also make me rich beyond my wildest dreams. Ha, ha.

Exam question. The whole grant funding crisis is a direct result of mismanagement of scientific research by the UK government? Discuss. If I have any bile left in my body I will do this tomorrow.

Dark side of the room

2004-10-18T20:00:00.000Z

After a busy and not particularly relaxing weekend of childcare I was glad to be back in the Blue Palace. Not for long, because there was a powercut, that left us in the dark (well, it is October).

A brief meeting with my post-doc, who showed me a couple of experiments that hadn't worked. She has very low esteem, so I have to choose my words carefully and be very upbeat. She had a couple of months off because of depression. She also had an eating disorder. So things have not been right for quite some time. I had to tell her at her annual appraisal in April that she was not really cut out to be a post-doc, having only produced 1 paper in 3 years. This sounds like I am being a bastard but she has deep-rooted psychological issues, that need addressing outside work. On a cycle of 3 year project grants, productivity is extremely important. Your biggest assets and your biggest problems come on two legs! This time next year I may have no grants and no lab. In the meantime I have this blog as therapy.

On a lighter note, the windows and entrance of the building were finally jet-washed to remove the guano. Despite the cordon, a few lazy sods took shortcuts past the guy with the jet-washer. One of them, slipped over on the wet surface and collided with the door. There is some justice in the world!

Tomorrow I will spend all day working on a grant application.

"I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour but heaven knows...................."

Thank fook its Friday

2004-10-16T01:00:00.000Z

The end of a spectactularly unproductive week. My diary says "start writing grant". Well I started writing this blog, but unfortunately this will not keep my staff in employment.

Oh my god, only 2 weeks to go before the deadline! Arghhhhhhhhhh! This is urgent, so I will start next week.

In the meantime, I have been looking at a manuscript that if it was a puppy, would have been put down. I am middle author among a bunch of medics. None of them seem to be that bothered to do any writing but still want their name in lights. It describes a clinical trial of a new treatment, that unfortunately does not produce better results than any conventional treatment. The first author is desperate to get this paper out and has tried some minor surgery. Today my job is to rebuild it, make it better than before, stronger, faster, errrrr .... making it leap buildings at a single bound. I think I am getting my TV quotes mixed up but you get the picture. Two hours later and I realise that the only way to make it better is to tell the truth. On a cost:benefit analysis, this treatment is actually worse than than what preceded it. However it is more likely the conclusion will be that "more studies are warranted".

Three more meetings. My new research assistant (in her 2nd week of work) showed me her results today. They were completely negative. Nevertheless she knew why the experiment hadn't worked and had thought about what to do next, so I was happy. I only wish that my post-doc had similar powers of analysis.

I then spent some time with my PhD student. She had been staring down the microscope and seen some strange looking cells. I reassured her that it was normal for cells to have little legs and to dance everytime the radio came on. I don't think my counselling was very effective and I can see her arriving at work on Monday with two dark rings round her eyes.

Final meeting was with the technology transfer officer for the University. She has been helping me file a patent. Now she wants us to make a joint application for a business development grant. Over 100K of "free" money. I can already envisage fact finding missions to the Caribbean and a state of the art laptop. Sounds too good to be true and there must be a catch. Well there is, we have to come up with a business plan for a non-existant product, including proposed licensing opportunities. Even worse, the deadline is 2 weeks away. Wait a minute that's the deadline for the research grant. Doh!! Decisions, decisions.

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

2004-10-15T05:00:00.000Z

Another day of meetings. Started with Departmental meeting in which one of the Senior Lecturers gave us an overview of their research. He had baked some apple cake which made the talk that much more agreeable. I always like some food before my morning nap.

Afterwards the HOD called an extraordinary Departmental meeting for the senior staff. He gave us feedback from a high level meeting he had attended. As expected there was not much in the way of good news. First the budget that pays for the running of the department (equipment, stationary, repairs etc) has been halved. This wasn't a surprise, nor were the messages about tightening our belts, you never had so good, and Ich bin ein berliner (made the last one up). Second, new bureaucratic measures have been put in place to make it more difficult to get things done. This includes reducing the number of approved signatories for official documents. ie the HOD will no longer be able to sign things off, only the head of the school (Dean) will be able to do this now. This lead to groans of "We're doomed" as this individual is known to be more elusive than Ronnie Biggs. While we are thinking about criminals it struck me that reducing the number of signatories will simply lead to more forged signatures when there is a danger of missing a deadline. The HOD continued to describe other examples where common sense had not only deserted the administrators but was actually in orbit around a planet in another universe.

After lunch another meeting, a Research Building Users Group. Another happy gathering of researchers, initially established as a working party to identify problems that could then be rectified. Basically its a big moaning shop but no counsellors are on hand. We relate tales of woe involving the building facilities. These include doors that don't lock or fall off their hinges, leaking windows, sinks that drain onto the floor, poor ventilation, electrical pecularities and the inevitable pigeon guano. Despite many design flaws, the architect is blaming the contractors and suing the different companies that he hired. They in return claim that they were only following instructions. The net result is that my lab remains closed.

Good news, my research assistant came in and told me all about her latest experiments. Beautiful results that made me forget about all the other crap and reminded me why I do this job. Spent some time after she left, looking at published papers, to see if there was an explanation for the results.

Then it was back to the paperwork. This time I had to write a reference for a medical colleague. This was not a problem because she is very good and the reference form was like a multiple choice questionaire. Fantastic! What a time-saver!

The rest of the afternoon was spent diagnosing the fault on a dead imac. After an hour I confirmed that it didn't work.

So my time sheet today reads Science-1 hour; Assorted Bullshit-6 hours; Moaning about my lot-1 hour . This fully justifies my categorisation as being "research active".